from the what-is-your-quest? department.
written by alan on October 08, 2002
Music: Nat Monday - Connected (Original)
Bleh. Another long, crappy day. After talking with my prof yesterday i found that although she did sympathise with my situation, there wasn't much she could do. If she went any faster, she'd lose people. If she went any slower, she'd start hating it herself. However, she did say that it was alright if i use any spare time I had to study for my last exam, which i found acceptable. So this is what i will do. Today we're having a couple labs which will take the edge off the day...make it less boring. Excellent :)
During my daily journal reads...yes, i do read other people's journals too :)...i found myself thinking of jenn once again (see a trend, anyone?). She's on my mind more and more lately. Of course, there's no rush to get her off my mind...i rather like thinking of her. So, i've decided to lay it all out for her in the letter i'm going to send. I'll give up the straight goods and see what she thinks. I'm tired of uncertainty...i want some kind of response. And i don;t mean something that just passes it off...i want an honest response...a well thought out answer. This means that i may have to wait for it, which is acceptable. I'm just not going to wait forever, though. It became clear to me recently that quite a few events have occured in the last couple months...so time isn't moving as fast as i once thought. So, she has time to think...we all have time to think. We just need to make the time.
I realize that jenn is in somewhat of the same boat that I am...she's in need of her companion. And the same things that get me all sad and depressed about it apparently get her all depressed about it too. I can only hope she takes what I have to say to heart and doesn't make a quick decision. I would absolutely hate that. I'd accept it, of course...i have to respect whatever she says. Its not my place to shove things down people's throats...unless they want that sort of thing. But, i appreciate the time taken to think things through much more and a hasty reply in effort to sweep things away. Life's challenges should be met head-on...don't try to dance around them, but face them up front. Work them out as best you can. This is all i ask...that people _try_ their best. And really, what more can one ask?
I'm reaching an interesting crossroads in my life, and i want some directional advice. I'll take it from wherever i can get it. And yes, i will make the time to think everything through...you only get one shot at this existance, so you might as well make it as right as you can.
I'd like to add one thing that wes and i discussed last night...same topic, of course :) I trust wes with most of my personal dilemmas...he always has a good opinion to give, and i always take his word very seriously. A true friend, thru and thru. So, i voice to him something which i had voiced in my journal some entries ago...the fact that i have a hard time believing that jenn doesn't talk much. It seemed to me like it was just me she avoids. Now, on a brief consultation with molly about it, it was revealed that jenn doesn;t talk to molly much either...or at least she doesn't get told much. And wes summarized it something like jenn's not showing me the same trust and openness that I show her. He did say that this could very well be how she is and nothing more. Everyone's different. I like having feedback...i thrive on comunication despite my lack of it in the verbal sense. So, wes tells me that maybe she's just not comfortable with me. This got me thinking again...how can she hold me with such high regard (i.e. admiring me, holding me as a close friend) and yet not be comfortable? This doesn;t seem quite logical to me. Not that the world of emotion is logical...hell, it can be extremely illogical at times. So this is another thing i'd like cleared up. I hold jenn with equal high regard. Maybe even higher than she holds me...i haven't thought about it enough to say definitely. But i certainly do care about her, no matter what happens. Make no bones about that...
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