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Its A Challenge
from the life department.
written by alan on April 18, 2006

Its a challenge. Physically and emotionally. Even though my mind is still cloudy from a recent event, I feel I must gain some sort of order so I can move forward.

So, now I ask myself, "What is love, really?" Is it what I have already experienced, or is it what I have yet to experience? I was told once that I needed to be a friend as well. Was that just a line? Was that simply an indicator? I mean, if I am to also be a friend, where's the line? Where does it go from friendship to something more?

Another thing; if I deserve more than what was given, what more should I have deserved? What else did I need? I have my job. I have my music. I have my friends. I am loved by many people (in different senses of the word). What more is there? Can I not just be happy with this? I think I definately can.

I recently found out that apparently I can't. Apparently, as I'm still all too tired of hearing from my teenage years, I'm "too perfect". Ok fine. I can accept that I'm not the bad boy. I don't live life on the edge and I guess I'm not dating material. I'm simply thrust into being marriage/family material. Granted, both sides have their ups and downs. I was perfectly content with this side. Will I stay on this side? Definately. I've seen a little glimpse of what life is like on the other side and I don't like it. I was raised to be emotionally needy. I didn't get what I needed at a younger age, so I'm looking for it now to replace what was missing. Some of it has, in fact, been replaced. I've grown. I've learned. There's still much more to learn and further to grow.

Hey now, there's a good question. Was this gradual or out of the blue? Well, I had some indication. Not much, mind you. When those indications arose, enough talking ensued as to quell the thoughts that were brought up. Maybe I just didn't want to think about it because I was happy. I was pleased with my life. Don;t get me wrong, I still am to an extent. There's a hole, however. I don't know the size of it and I don't know that it will be repaired how I'd like it to be.

More as develops.


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