ethereal.cc
No Reasons
from the throw-me-a-frikin-bone-here department.
written by alan on May 09, 2003

Music: t0ast - In The Mix LIVE (12/03/2002)

It never ceases to amaze me how little information I get from people. There are those who give just enough to shut me up, and then there are those who don't even bother to answer questions. Now I can't blame everyone. There are people that I simply haven't asked questions of...but I'm still expecting answers. I suppose i'm as guilty as all those people who assume I can read minds. I guess i'm expecting people to read my mind too much as well.

Where am I going with this segmented rant? This wouldn't be the proper forum for the answer. One person in particular knows exactly what i'm talking about. The rest will scratch your heads and think i've gone loony. ;) Allow me to give an example of my current hatred.

When I was in high school, i had the fortune of meeting Amanda. Well, I thought of it as a fortune then...now its a fortune for different reasons. Amanda was one of the women that I drew myself to instantly and wouldn't let go. She was the first attractive woman who knew something about my life passion...computers. I've heard many geeks saying to get your geekess before someone else does. They're a highly sought-after species. Little did I know that this particular specimen would use me until i was spent. And use me she did. I was naiive enough to believe that she cared about me. But hey, I was young...I knew nothing about relationships. Hell, I still haven;t been in one to this day. Still single after 23 years. Funny, isn't it? :) So after being used for an entire summer for no more than a taxi (i had a car back then too), I got into a depression. It was nasty. My first real depression, too. I listened to 'Stabbing Westward - Darkest Days' to try to help me get out of it. Heh...i quickly learned that album was not very good for curing depression. Then one day, at the behest of many friends who could not stand to see me like this, i just cut her loose. It took me a month to get over it, but i did. Some time later, I met up with her again. I asked her why we wouldn't have worked out. She gave no straight answer. Something along the lines of "we just wouldn't", was what i received. To this day I CONTINUE to receive answers like that one when I ask similar questions of people I have or had feelings for.

What the fuck is so harmful in telling me the truth? Its not going to hurt me any more than i'm hurt already. Believe me. If i can get thru one experience like that, i can get thru many more (and i have gotten thru many more). Do you not have an answer? Do you just feel like casting me aside on a whim? Maybe you think I don;t exist? Perhaps you're ignorant enough to think I don;t have feelings? Or that I'm not human and won't really care. Well here's a goddamn news flash, I CARE! I'm human just like the lot of you. I have feelings. I feel sadness, lonliness, love, hate, longing, happiness...everything that you do. I mean, what would it take for one of you to be straight with me? I always try to be straight-up and honest with you...so why can;t you return the favour? Afraid that I'll see who you really are? Oh come now...you shouldn't be afraid of who you are. If you turn out to be something you don't like...you can change it.

Bottom line is, if i've tried to be open with someone, i'd expect them to be open right back to me. I've made myself vulnerable...now its your turn. Didn't they teach us to play fair back in kindergarden? What happened to that lesson, eh?


previous | next