from the incomplete-puzzle department.
written by alan on July 16, 2003
Music: Transa - Transtar / Binary Finary - 1999 (Dumonde Mix) / Veracocha - Carte Blanche (Veracocha Mix) / Gouryella - Walhalla
So this is how it ends. I know I have to try to see the bright side of what life throws at me...but sometimes it's hard. If it weren't for one person in particular, I may not even be writing this. I could be off in some dark fantasy world of my own...cutting myself off from reality. But instead I have been thrust back into the real world. Not that I really can complain. The real world is where most other people are. Its where my life can live itself out in relative peace and sanity.
Let me bring you all up to speed. Last week I went on another excursion to visit Jenn and Molly. It was my first real vacation since the summers of high school and I wanted to take it with good friends. I had a few questions lingering from the last time I visited them. Questions which would affect my life and my emotions. I had been given hope, though. That last glimmer of hope that so many people hang on to with both hands. The hope that people bet their lives on. As always, I kept my hopes high. I knew what would happen if I did that...but I was prepared to take the consequences. I NEEDED to find some answers.
If it hadn't become apparent to all of you, I had developed feelings for Jennifer. I tried to dance around it (*pokes molly*) as much as I could, though. I couldn't risk simply coming straight out with it here. This was an issue that had to be resolved in person. There definately are situations where the internet just won't do for resolving problems. My problem was that I loved her. And I told her so. It couldn't have happened on a more beautiful day either. Both of us sitting by the lake...the sun glistening off the water...the wind gently swaying her hair. It was the kind of scene that you find in Hollywood love stories...and it was happening to me! To be honest, I didn't think I had the courage or the capacity to put my feelings into words. As I spoke, my mind and heart raced. All the possibilities I had thought of in the last 6 months were being re-evaluated in a matter of minutes. In those moments I was prepared for anything. I was invincible. That was what love felt like...my first love. Something I will NEVER forget.
She returned the answer that I had feared most. It was expected. But my heart did not immediately shatter. It remained warm from the emotion that it had just experienced. Clearly it was one piece of my life that I had been missing...and longing for. Now I have it. 15 hours later, my heart exploded. It wasn't the same feeling as I had 6 months ago. This was slightly different. I had felt frustrated before. I cried for 2 hours because of it. It was the lonliest 2 hours of my life. This time I cried for about an hour. However, someone was there for me...someone who understood...someone who comforted me in my hour of need. It was then I knew that no matter what happened in my life, there would always be someone there for me. After I had been there for so many people, finally I had someone I could count on. That's another thing I will NEVER forget. There truly are people in this world that care. And once you find them, you can never let go.
So my first love turned out like so many other people's had. I guess this makes me normal...something I never liked the idea of. I like being myself...being unique. I pride myself on knowing that my experiences are my own. No one has had it exactly the same way. I had always hoped that my first love would be my only...that it would be the one that lasted. Now I have to find the capacity to love again. I have so much love to give...but nowhere to put it. Am I bitter because of this? No. I can't be bitter at something as surreal as this. Indeed love is the greatest mystery of the human race. I can't be mad at Jennifer. Everyone has free will. No one can be 'made' to love me. Someone must choose to. So now the questions comes back to 'Who?'.
In my next entries, I will write about my thoughts as I travelled. I took notice of a few extraordinary things as I flew 33,000 ft. in the air. You will get the chance to read about them :)
"And when I opened the curtains they were taking the set away and packing up for the day, the cameras and lights turned off.
The darkness replaced with striplights and and the grey skies the blind whirring of machinery.
I'd like to write a beautiful story about love:" -- Radiohead
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