from the brooding department.
written by alan on October 02, 2002
Music: *in my head* fila brazilia - subtle body
I so want to just write the pure thoughts that have just sprung into my head...but i shall refrain. Its true that this journal of mine has given me an outlet for my trapped emotions, and i do cherish it. However, these recent thoughts are most likely premature...i'll need to stew over them before anything can be done. I think after last night i'm getting to the point where i have to buckle down and put my feelings and emotions aside for a while. A bigger bottle will be needed for this task, but i know i can do it. Hiding my emotions is nothing new to me. I do it on a constant basis...except for on here, that is :)
Some days i think that hiding emotion is all i can do. I do it well anyhow. My friends never know how i feel...my parents never know how i feel. No one knows how i feel unless i let some of it slip. And those are just cries for attention...something i rarely get. Something wes told me a few days ago is making me wary tho. He said something to the effect that people who let you know they're depressed are just asking for help. The real ones to watch out for are those who never let on that they;re depressed. Its these people that need help the most. And i fear, dear readers, that i may fall into this spiral...and i don;t want to. Once i'm in, i may never get out. I really do want help...i need to keep going in this life, but no one wants to hear my call. I'm ignored like the rest of the world. If i've got nothing relevant to say, then no one cares. No smalltalk here...people don;t like that, apparently.
Despite what some people say, its very hard to continue with bottled emotions. They do eventually lead to explosions of anger and hatred...something i hate doing, although i've always felt better after them. There are times when i just want to have a good breakdown...so i can let loose some of the pressure and continue on with life. I never get to doing that tho...after pondering the situation i always feel more good is done by not letting stuff like that out. I must 'keep my image'...no one wants to be seen around someone with emotional problems...its just not 'socially right'. Sometimes I wish i hadn't just stopped talking to kara all of a sudden in high school. She was a great friend. At that time, i thought i saw something more in her...in retrospect it was just two people with similarities that were willing to see what taking friendship further was like. Truth be told, the social ramifications of doing this was one of the contributing factors of what i ultimately did. But, i REFUSE to believe that she was my one and only shot at a companion. That can;t be the only woman on the planet that would look past everything and see the real me. I shouldn;t have to be fated to live with the first person that comes along. I don;t believe in fate anyways...so there must be someone else. Or many others. But, as i've been told by many, i won;t find anyone if i'm looking...so i don't look anymore. I can simply wait for her to come to me...whomever she is. And yet, i'm always on the lookout at the same time...i can NEVER stop looking...wondering...dreaming if the next one could be _the_ one. Or maybe its someone right under my nose. Then again, how am i supposed to know since WOMEN NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING! How the fsck am i supposed to know what you mean when you say 'i just wanna be friends'...what the fsck about me was wrong? I can;t read minds dammit! If i could, i'd be quite a different person. In that case, probably no one would fit with me...there would always be something that would turn me off. Hence I have the capacity to look beyond shortcomings and faults...something i do to a very select crowd...those people who mean something special to me. I don;t care what they do, because in the end they're good people thru and thru. They treat me as an equal, whatever that definition is to them.
And there are also times when i wish i was a vulcan from star trek. That amazing control over emotion must make things seem so much easier. Life can just happen then...no distractions, just progress...evolution. But then, where would the 'sweet' be in life without the emotion? If that even exists for me...the sweet, i mean. I have a sensitive side...no one knows about it. No one's cared to see if its there tho. I'm curious as to what people really do think of me...what people seriously think I do with my life. Opinions won't be stellar, i'm sure...but i'd really like to know. I think it'd help on some level.
Anyways, enough of this for now...must go to work and use brain ;)
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