from the like-the-river-flows department.
written by alan on August 18, 2006
It's funny; she still makes me smile and feel happy simply by being near me. Part of me thought that would never happen after what we went through. I'm actually glad to find that it's not the case. I think she's right. Even if we may not be meant for each other, we can easily be best friends. I think I'd consider her my best female friend. We're both happy spending time together, even if we have to control ourselves so that we don't do the things we used to.
It's very strange writing these things. Perhaps it's the first step to acceptance. I do know that it's not quite as hard to be here anymore. It will still take time to accept the things I feel, but I know it will happen. She's glad that I'm at least somewhat happy again; and now she wants to help me be extra happy. I applaud her motives, however much I find them strange. I do want to be extra happy again. I want to be as happy as I was when we were together; and I don't mean near the end but rather in the middle.
Because I moved away from my parents, I now am extra happy with my work life. Things are going very well for me in that department. The unfortunate reality of this happiness is that it took a tradeoff. I traded my love life for my work life. Realisticly, I had to do it. That was a decision that I absolutely had to have made. Now I must accept and deal with the feelings that come along with my decision. It has been hard up to this point, and it's still not over. But it is progressing.
Sometimes I think that I just want to meet women so I can find a way to get back to that happiness as fast as possible. I know that desire is okay and that it is normal for someone in my situation. Sometimes I wonder if it's the right thing to do. I don't know if I'll be able to keep my next relationship from being a rebound. I definately don't want it to be one. Those don't seem to work out for very long at all. The happiness doesn't last. I want the happiness to last, permanently. While I know I'll never be happy 100% of the time, I'll gladly accept 99% or even 95%. As I told her last night, I want to love again. I want to give someone my love again. I want to cuddle, hold hands, kiss, give massages, enjoy walks together, enjoy the scenery together and a multitude of other things that make me happy. I want that spark back; the spark that opened my eyes to what real love is. I don't care where I find it, but I want it again and I don't want to leave it. If i find it with her someday in the future, so be it. I can handle that. If I find it with someone else, so be it. I can handle that.
I've done my time. I've lived through the years that some spend dating endlessly. I've learned about love; albeit the hard way at times. Now I want to put it all to use. I'm tired of simply waiting around although I know that's what it will take. The last time it only took one month before I felt that spark again. I wonder how long it will take this time around.
I will need to find someone to take that cruise with
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