from the closure department.
written by alan on July 03, 2010
What follows is a letter to my ex-girlfriend which I wrote the morning after a particular social event we attended several years ago. I finished it but never delivered it to her. Instead I repeated what I could remember of the last paragraph to her and we moved on. You will note signs that the relationship was rocky and that I was getting (if not already) desperate. I honestly don't remember my mindset at the time, so take this as you will.
I'm really not sure what i'm feeling. I'm disappointed that its so hard to have a romantic night with you. Whenever the chance arises, something always strikes it down. Sometimes its me not knowing what to do or me being totally dense, other times you're tired or you feel ill or some part of you aches. I had hoped that we would have a really nice night together at the review ball. Not to say that I didn't have fun, but I wished it could have gone better. I realize that you were busy all day. You volunteered your time for review, and I respect that. I can't be upset that you didn't pay attention to me much because of it. But this time didn't turn out much better than last year. Just before the dinner, you were in a rush to get ready. And yes, i know you take longer than I do to get prepared. But when you're doing this, you're always so distant. You're not smiling much, you're not very happy. This year wasn't so bad. Last year I really caught on to it. It really looked to me like you weren't going to enjoy the night at all. I was relieved that you did come around and had a good time. And I do apologize for just standing there for a while. But, I'd really like to tell you how I feel for once. There are times where I think I'll never get a chance to say how I feel because I might be wrong or I might not validate how you feel at the same time. I don't want to start being liberal with expressing myself because I have a feeling that if I do, you're not going to tell me when I've gone too far until its too late. But anyways, here goes...
I want a romantic evening of a nice candlelit dinner and lots of slow dancing with the two of us all dressed up. And I just want it to be the two of us. I know you don't like to get dressed up very often. For whatever reason, it's not especially comfortable to you. I can understand that. I don't like dressing up too often either. But recently, i've found that when I do it's not a big deal. I have a fun time with it. Thats why I've had a better time at this year's review ball than last year's. I really can;t take my eyes off of you when I see you dressed up. If you don't believe that, then I don't know what more I can do to convey it to you. You're always so beautiful in my eyes. And I want to enjoy that beauty and the uncondtional love and companionship that comes with it. I want to enjoy the whole package more. Not just the cozy nights in front of the TV, not just the crazy, wonderful nights of lovemaking. Bleh...i don't know what i want. I'm frustrated. And yes, i know...you have no sympathy for me since I've made you frustrated countless times before.
When you gave me your last letter describing how you didn't appreciate me much, I told you that you didn't have to. It's my job. I do my best for you because I love you. I listen when you rant on your bad days. I try to be supportive when you've had a bad day or are facing a tough decision. I try to be the best person I can be for you. And it's all because I love you. But now that I stop to think about it...I think I would like a little appreciation. And no, it doesn't mean we have to make love when you don't want to. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate me when I can't keep my libido under control. It doesn't mean you have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. But it does mean that I'd like feedback, and a fair amount of it. I need to know that i'm appreciated every so often. Even just a loving touch would more than suffice. It brings a smile to my face, and that usually brings a smile to yours. I try to do the same with you when I buy you flowers or give you a massage for no reason. It's my way of telling you how much I appreciate you being in my life and supporting me. I know I haven;t been as supportive towards you as you would like, but I've recognized that and am working on improving that. I'm asking for some more support back. I know its a stressful time for you being the end of your schooling and final exams, as well as you're first time away from home for an extended period and your introduction into the working world. I find myself thinking “How can I ask her to give me anything more when she's got all of this on her plate?” But I have to at least ask. I have to let you know somehow. I have to communicate it to you.
Y'know how I always say “You're right”?, I'd like to be right for a change. I'd like to feel right a little more. I'd like to be able to say, “see? I told you you'd enjoy that. I was right!” I'd also like to feel upset or annoyed or disappointed and be right about it. I'd like my feelings validated, too. When you said earlier that you were gonna be miserable because I was just standing there and not dancing beside you, that hurt. Why can't I feel anything but happy? Why is it that I'm not allowed to express a different feeling and be right about it? I mean, you told me that you thought about leaving at 10:30. That really hurt. Did you stop to think about how I felt? Even though I don't do the same sometimes, can you not do it for me? Y'know what I really needed to snap me out of it? A smile and a hug. That's it. It doesn't take much for me to be happy around you, and those two things would have had me feeling better.
I wish there was a way to know if you'll understand how I feel. I know I don't explain myself very well, and that I speak before I think so what I'm really trying to say gets horribly lost or misinterpreted. I wish there was a way I could be 100% sure that you won't be upset from reading all of this or that if i minced words or danced around things that it would come out better. But I don;t have that guarantee. I can;t expect that with life. I just have to try and see what happens. Even right now, i'm feeling a very heavy urge to just save this, close it up and forget I wrote it. I'm still scared that you'll read this and ultimately think that you won;t be able to go on with me for whatever reason. Yes, i know it's silly to still be thinking that. We have over two-and-a-half years between us, but I can;t remember enough past experiences that would reassure me that things won't go wrong. Maybe i'm doing a bad thing by just writing these thoughts. Maybe this isn't even a rational line of thinking. At this point, I don't know. I could simply sleep on it and be of clearer mind in the morning.
I've never been good at articulating how I feel. My thoughts go at a million miles per hour and I have trouble slowing them down to the speed limit. I wish I could write letters and cards like you do. I wish I could tell you exactly how I feel in words that would make it crystal clear. I wish I knew more ways to tell you that I love you. I wish i knew more ways to tell you that I care ever so deeply for you. I wish I could think of more little ways to make you smile. I wish I could be more romantic and give you many more days and nights of happiness. I wish I could always remember what you tell me you like so I can get those things for you. I wish I could hug you right now. I wish i could just have you in my arms for a while without any distractions.
Now i have to find a way to tell you all of this. I'm not sure if i'll just let you read this as I typed it, or if i'll transcribe it to paper, or if i'll just try to summarize it in spoken words. I love you. I love us. I love the good and the bad. I love your doggies. I love your kinship with animals. I love that you usually know what I mean even when it comes out of my mouth completely mixed up. I love that you tolerate me and yet don;t tolerate me at the same time (if that makes sense). I love the way you touch me and the way you hold me. I love the way you let me get lost in your eyes. I love when you smile at me; it makes me smile back. I love how you never let me stay upset for long because you do the little things that make me feel happy again. I love the excited look you have when I suggest getting ice cream. I love when you tickle me. I love when you steal my glasses and smudge them up. I love it when you tell me not to stop. I love that you have accepted all that I am but have made me a better person at the same time. I love that you work yourself hard but still find time to listen to me and to love me in return. I love when you cuddle. I love when you tease. I love when you want to rant to me, even if its about me. I love when you tell me about your day. I love that you help me understand the things I don't know about your profession. I love that you can cry to me. I love when you laugh with me. I love when you laugh at me, too. I love you.
Share your thoughts with me if you wish.
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