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Vulnerability
from the look-right-through-me department.
written by alan on September 17, 2006

Music: Etienne de Crecy - Prix Choc

Yesterday I felt vulnerable. I don't remember the last time I had that feeling. Actually, I'm not entirely sure I've ever felt it quite that way. I did something yesterday that I've not done before; at least not on my own. I went out and met a total stranger. Well, maybe not completely strange but still someone new. I've never put myself out there like that before. I was vulnerable. She could have said or done anything and I would have to take it. I suppose if it will get me to where I'd like to be, then I'll tolerate it.

I only realized how I felt when I went grocery shopping later that day. Maybe this is just a side-effect of what has happened with my life recently. Things are getting better, slowly, despite my wish to have it all over and done with. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy or as happy as I can be from time-to-time. I'm simply not as happy as I used to be and certainly not as often. I'm hoping that meeting some new people might change that for the better.

I still find myself looking for it. The "it" which I have been told countless times never to look for. I'm not entirely sure how I stopped looking for it enough to find me last time and I wish I could know for certain. What I really don't want out of all this is to become married to my work. I'll never get out of that spiral. The only reason I stay at work as long as I do now is because I rarely have any evening plans. I hoping these new people will change that at the very least.

Perhaps I will find someone to take that cruise with by the end of next year.


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