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wher i nd
from the nd-u-begin department.
written by alan on June 08, 2003

Music: Pink Floyd - Great Gig In The Sky / Plaid - Ralome / Interpol - nyc

So I haven't been very faithful with my journal lately...bleh on you! :) There have been things buzzing through my mind which I'd rather not commit to these screens. At least not at this moment. Some time must pass first before all can be revealed. But I will say one thing tho, the deeds have been done...the letters have been written...the packages sent. Now the waiting game ensues.

I still have a defeatest attitude about me. My doubts still run rampant. While some people preech hope to me, I still remain skeptical. And why shouldn't I be? All I have to base these things on is the past. The only research that I can use to base my future actions on comes from events which I have experienced before today. I'm starting to believe that I should prepare for the worst right now...perhaps it will be over with sooner that way.

It has been indicated to me that what I have wished for won't ever really happen...and I suppose I must agree. When I take a step back and look upon the situation, I start to see what looks like the horrible truth. I must be content with what I have and never ask for more. If extra things come my way, then I can appreciate them...but I must never want them. I must never long for these things. I must go through every day simply trying to get to the next. It's a narrow vision of this existance, but it works. Others may think this a bleak way to live a life, but unless someone can prove that it works otherwise, what choice am I left with?

Molly was right about one thing, however. It truly is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. No matter how bad love was misplaced, the emotions that are tied to it simply cannot be reproduced any other way. You can't fake love. You can't rationalize it either. It simply happens...I'm convinced of that now. Not that I can say I've found it...if I have, would someone please point it out to me? Things like love are never apparent to me. I need someone to shove it in my face. It's never completely obvious. Those that choose to "dance around the issue" are only cheating themselves. So, I guess that makes me guilty.

I need to find out how all these people can live their lives from one day to the next and not let love get the best of them. Sometimes I wish we existed like the characters in Yevgeny Zamyatin's "We". Everyone with their societal role. Daily actions are pre-planned. Expectations are known, and never deviate from the norm. There exists no media to distort reality. Everyone lives a content, productive life. And when someone comes along with an idea to throw off the balance of daily life, there exists an entity to help combat the threat and restore order.

Heh...as Jim would say, "Woe is me". He may be right, but at least in this state I am comfortable. Everything happens as expected. I know how to handle the up days and the down days. It is true that I desire change, but perhaps I am misled to think that it is a good thing. What if it turns out to be a negative thing? Will I be able to go back to what I'm most comfortable with? Or will the scars change me permanently?

The Surgeon General needs to put a warning label on love.


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